Things aren't looking up at all. Uni rejected me on every single course I applied for...they didn't even request to see my work, so I have a feeling it's because of all the gap years...If they just saw my previous grades and took a look at all the work I've done since then and how I've improved without actually undergoing legitimate studies, they would see the passion!

But it's all about money and who you know in this day and age, isn't it. Ideally what they'd like me to do is a foundation course which is a year and 9Grand I don't have to waste. Plus when I dropped out of the foundation course I undertook, I felt it was so useless it wasn't worth even 3Grand-which is how much it was back then before they raised it to 9...that's 3 times less!!!

I feel at a lose, like I'm at a new all-time-low.

I'll be leaving my second job soon 'cause it was slave work practically, which means I won't be getting enough money in from my 1st job and I'll have to look for another. I'm a bit worried about that but at least with this I'm confident I'll find a conclusion not far down the line.

Another thing I'm worried about;
A few years ago I put myself in a really bad place, where I gave someone I thought was worth while, all of me, completely. I was willing to do anything for that person and made so many sacrifices. This person did not end up worth while at all and treated me horribly in return to my ever lasting kindness. I vowed myself to never get so close to someone that this would happen again with, but I fear I've already started doing just that.
I think, and I hope, that now I'm older and have been there before, that I won't let it happen again. It's just idk what it is with me, but I'm so easily mis-lead and manipulated by people who have a lot of pain in their lives...like I wanna be there for them and help them, and then they don't ever take the help but rather just use you and walk all over you to suit their advantage.

I think what I need, is to read my old diary, knock some sense back into me and remember the pain I went through with a similar situation. Who knows, I could be pushing THE one and only guy for me...but signs are telling me it's highly unlikely that this is the case, and I find myself too weak of a person to pull myself back together again for the second time...no way, I'm not strong enough. I'd rather be safe than sorry. It's too painful

Plus I'm low 'cause of this uni stuff anyway, I've no idea what path I'm on anymore, and I've always known where I'm headed usually. So I'm in no means in any state ready to make a stable and healthy relationship. It's just gonna built on noting but chaos...right?

But I'm in love </3
*self-destruction mode: activated*